||[11 Jan 2009|12:44am]
things have been incredibly shitty.
nothing is ever good enough for me, and i have no idea why.
it's like i'm always completely empty, stirring over the missing piece, when in reality, what's missing?
i cannot be happy in the moment.
it hurts my heart and my brain to sit still.
i have a nice apartment, lots of good books, a great, loving, amazing boyfriend, a job that pays well, and doesn't suck that much, good food, but still, i'm not happy.
all i can think about is chasing after this big thing, and i don't even know what that is or where it's going or if i'm even going to be happy when i get there. i thought i was over this, i thought i outgrew this. i can't even make decisions because when i do, i'm never happy.
i get so bored with everything in a matter of seconds.
i don't even know what the next step is.
honestly, i just want to move out west, where the weather doesn't suck so much, there's people who will be my friend, and i can go to school. i don't know.
a minute ago, i told dustin that i hate my life, and he told me that that wasn't a nice thing to say because it makes the people in my life feel like shit.
i know he's going to get sick of me, of this, whatever this is. i know that he's going to get tired of endlessly trying to please me or make me happy. i know that he's going to get sick of me wanting something new every five seconds, wanting to irrationally travel or just go or follow something or anything that happens to walk by. i know that i'm hurting him, and slowly, he's going to leave me, just like everyone else.
i've lost all of my friends. honestly. none of them really talk to me anymore, and i have to wonder if it's because i was always too busy focusing forward that they fell out of sight. i wonder if it's because i'm too self-absorbed. i'm not self-absorbed as in i constantly think about myself and think i'm great, but i'm always focused inward, trying to figure out what's wrong with me, or what'll make me happy this second, or into my own thoughts. if they invited me out, i'd decline, and spend the night at home by myself.
i think i'm honestly destined to be alone because i keep hurting the people around me. it's not malicious or intentional, it's just how things are. i sometimes wonder if i'd be better off, floating and hitching and squatting, it seems like i cannot build long term substantial relationships, i can't stay in one place long enough for that to happen.
not only do i constantly want to move, but i do love and care about people and i want to take them with me, but they have other plans, other goals, other directions. sometimes, i wonder if i'm pressuring dustin into moving west. i make people feel like absolute shit for wanting to stay in one place. i'm too all over the place emotionally to get close to anyone. one minute, i want to spend all of my time with them, the next i want to be alone, the next i feel angry and irritable.
i feel absolutely horrible, and i don't know how much longer i can take living this way.